A year ago, or so, I had a dream. The Lord told me that I would have one more child and it would be a boy. I remembered this dream, but hoped for a girl.
Once we reached 20 weeks of pregnancy, and searched out the gender as well as health of our new little one, it was determined to be - a girl! How delighted, albeit a bit confused, I was! I wanted a girl. I had asked for a girl. In my wisdom, it was the next right sibling for our family. Yet, I remembered that God had said it would be a boy, but there it was on the ultrasound screen in black and white! A girl... we announced, celebrated, bought girl bedding and clothing, even almost completely determined 'her' name.
After the first ultrasound, my nurse-midwife called to say that my placenta was low and that I was to be put on pelvic rest for 6 weeks until a second ultrasound could determine if my placenta was moving up sufficiently. Six weeks later, ready to know the outcome of the placental placement, I went alone to my follow-up ultrasound.
"He looks good!" the Tech said, reassuringly. Look, there is his head, here is your placenta, we will have to do some translateral views to be sure it's not covering the cervix... "What, a he??" I asked, as even I saw what was decidedly not 'girl parts' flash across the monitor. It was all there in black and white. A boy.
I must have asked her to show me at least six times. Sure enough, there HE was. It was not the sweet little Charlotte I had named and bought bedding for, Easter dresses and blankets for, it was a he. A son. My son.
"You sure are taking this well" the Tech said. I prided myself in that statement, only to find in the grocery store, later, myself almost in tears... my little girl. Lord, you told me it would be a boy... why did you let me think it would be a girl?? I asked, in discouragement.
God Keeps His Promises. This was Dylan's memory verse for Bible Study last week. He's said it over and over this week.
When I knew it was a boy, during the ultrasound, I heard my heart whisper,"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." (Pro 3:5-6) What a life lesson.
I trusted what I saw, not what God had whispered to me in my sleep. I believed what was visible, rather than question it because of God's prior promises. I could have saved myself a lot of effort and striving if only I had listened to my heart when it whispered those little boy names, or looked at the boy bedding. But I didn't.
Now, I am facing a larger, more arduous decision making process, an opportunity in faith. My husband feels led to purchase a new home, to move. But where, Lord? Which house? How will we know? When can I find it? I have spent hours online looking at houses, focusing on what I can see and comprehend.
Now, I find myself looking back on another promise the Lord gave me 3 years ago, before we even moved into our current home. That He would give me a specific house, one I had asked for, was what I had whispered to my heart. I had long ago dismissed it, because I could not comprehend it. He would give me a home like that home, but not that house.
Now, I sit back and remember. Lean not on your own understanding. Take hold of it in faith and receive what the Lord has promised you, even if you do not yet posses it, like your eternal body, eternal life in the presence of God the Father. Health and joy, true salvation. Freedom and redemption, complete forgiveness. I have come to see that while I agree that God has made these possible, I have not yet grasped these, received them, in faith. I am completely irrevocably, forgiven. I need not be distracted, and yet I am. Lord, give me eyes to see you and ears to hear you and a heart that follows only after, You. I receive You, in faith.
Lord, thank you for this child in my womb. Thank you that he is all that You have made him to be before the beginning of Creation. May I too develop and grow, mature and be born into this new life, fully, this true life of forgiveness and joy. Thank You, Jesus, for loving a worldly wretch like me. Thank You for displaying your laws as great Grace, guidance for me, along with the ability to follow You, through the power of Your Holy Spirit. Where else could I run??
May all Your promises be found Faithful, as You are faithful. May I grow in faithfulness, too.